Penance
by Amael21
Summary: Hakkai knows that penance and atonement are completely different, but sometimes he only has one option. Nii/Hakkai; Dark, explicit M/M. COMPLETE.


**Disclaimer:** This fanfiction is based on characters and situations created and owned by Minekura Kazuya. No copyright or trademark infringement is intended implied. No profit made.

**A/N:** Written for Sharpeslass at the LJ valentine_smut giftfic exchange community. Prompt: Deconstruction

* * *

Though it was not terribly late, it had been a long and exhausting day, at the end of a long and exhausting week, and everyone had tucked in for the night. Gojyo was still recovering from the wound Sanzo had given him in order to save his life, and Goku's broken leg was taking a lot of energy to heal properly. Sanzo...well, Sanzo had never been adverse to a long spell in a soft bed and it was certain that the events of the past few days had taken their toll on him, as well. In an effort to maintain some level of peace among the tense group, Hakkai had tried two other inns before he had found this one, with enough available rooms for each of them to have his own for the duration of their stay.

A small, pained smile settled around Hakkai's lips as he considered this tiny half-truth. He _had_ been intent upon giving everyone their own space after the wearing nature of the things they had just been through, but that wasn't the only, or even the most important of his reasons for ensuring separate rooms. Moonlight spilled through the window, gilding all it touched with its cold, serene light as his most true motivation whispered in the back of his mind, tearing away his peace with a voice that rasped across his nerves like rough-hewn wood leaving splinters wherever it touched. It had been there since the first meeting in the marketplace, never easing, even in his dreams. Hakkai wondered if he would ever escape it again, or if it was to join the chorus that accused and recriminated through every moment of his life. Small blessing though it was, at least this voice seemed to dominate, silencing the others while it poured its own brand of venom into his brain.

As useless as the effort had been, still Hakkai had made it, knowing that eventually he would break. If not this night, then the next, or the next.... A heavy sigh escaped him as he rolled onto his side, his wide, sleepless eyes studying the texture of the wall that stared blankly back at him. His vision played tricks in the wan light, making squirming creatures of the dimples in the paint. Hakkai watched them for a while, trying to pretend that he didn't hear the creepy, sly voice that spoke his past with such malevolent glee. _Cho Gonou._ He curled in on himself, his arms sliding protectively around his aching abdomen. Phantom pain, they called it. How very appropriate.

If he listened, he could hear the deep, familiar tones of Goyjo's snoring in the next room. Through the walls, it became deeper, more sonorous than when they slept in the same room. Hakkai strained for it, wanting it to soothe, as it usually did when he was agitated. If Gojyo knew how many sleepless nights Hakkai had spent in the broken-down bed that they had agreed to share, back home, he would have laughed. And then he would have hung his head, in that way that only Gojyo had, instead of blushing. Such things always made him self-conscious, and so Hakkai didn't often share. It didn't stop him taking his comforts where he could, however, and since the vast majority of them came from Gojyo, that meant he kept a lot to himself. _As you should. He's quite tainted enough, don't you think, Cho Gonou?_

Hakkai ground his teeth together hard enough to make them squeak loudly in the silent room. He wanted to beat that voice out of his brain, to shut it up forever, to forget that he had ever known that hateful sound. He wanted that, and yet he couldn't help the response, couldn't stop the part of him that whispered, _yes._

Suddenly, the warm, safe sound became an edge that abraded Hakkai's heart, and he turned over abruptly, flipping the covers back to rise. Anything else, Hakkai could handle - there was nothing new to dredge up about Kanan and his past, after all. He had already experienced every thought and emotion that those things could evoke, and he _knew_ that pain and rage. He was...comfortable with them. Gojyo was different. There had never been a time, from the first moment he opened his eyes, to see all that brilliant red above him, that Hakkai's mind had been settled, regarding Gojyo. Though the gods had spared him, given him a new name and a blank slate, Gojyo had been the one to offer him a new life. He was Hakkai's best friend, his confidant, and his reason for continuing every day. Gojyo was all these things, and more, and less. He was Hakkai's Gojyo, and until he figured out what that meant, Gojyo was off-limits to every voice in Hakkai's head.

He knew how to silence them all, if only for a little while.

With quiet resolve, Hakkai got dressed. He chose jeans and a button-down shirt, put on his shoes, and slipped out of his room. As he moved down the hall, he stopped to listen at each of his companions' doors, his keen ear trained for the normal sounds of their sleep. Everyone was, in fact, quite deeply asleep, which lent itself to Hakkai's purposes well. He would hate to have any of them wake to find him gone. It would lead to questions, and he had no answers.

* * *

Some distance from the small inn, Hakkai found a bar that seemed promising. It sat, squat and dim, in a rather more seedy part of town than that from which he had come. The windows were dirty, and the grey-blue smoke of untold numbers of cigarettes drifted out through the open doorway. There was a scent here, hanging in the air, that Hakkai recognized and welcomed. He stepped inside.

The inside was precisely what Hakkai had expected. The plaster walls were peeling, the tables covered in myriad rings, branded there by bottles and mugs over many years. The light was dim, the wall behind the bar backlit through glass shelves and half-empty bottles. The patrons were nondescript, because this was that kind of place. A long lamp with a green shade illuminated a single pool table near the wall to Hakkai's left, where a couple of rough-looking men played for small stakes. Had he walked in with his eyes closed, he could have described it to small detail. Perfect.

Hakkai walked straight up to the bar and took a seat there. When the bartender gave him a questioning look, he ordered a beer (in a bottle; there was no way he was going to willingly put his lips to any glass he found in this place) and waited while the man wandered away to get it for him. He glanced down the bar, empty save for him and the ashtrays that lined its surface. The smell of cigarettes calmed him, just as the sight of the ashtrays excited thoughts of Gojyo once more. They often sat together at bars, more or less like this one, Gojyo downing drinks as if they were water, and smoking enough that Hakkai had once quipped that he might just as well start, too. Crimson eyes had narrowed, unsure what to make of the jest, until Hakkai had given in and favoured him with a genuine smile. Then he'd laughed, slipping an easy arm around Hakkai's shoulder in one of his more intimate gestures of friendly affection. _That's right. Friendly affection. Best leave it at that, hm?_

Hakkai grimaced a little to himself, giving the bartender a nod of thanks when the bottle of beer appeared before him. The man gave him an odd look, but said nothing, which was just as well. He took a long pull from his beer, the cold slipping like a snake into his stomach, while the carbonation burned his throat. The dichotomy was deliciously apt, and brought a dark smile to his lips. With a heavy sigh, Hakkai glanced to the ashtray near him, suddenly wishing for one of Gojyo's cigarettes, if only to leave it burn there beside him. Lifting his gaze, he used the mirror behind the bar to study the room behind him. The two men were setting up for another game of pool, and various patrons drank and smoked, averting their gazes from one another. His eyes traveled the length of the bar, idly picking up information as it presented itself in the warped glass, until his gaze met another - reflected, but most definitely trained on Hakkai.

Dark hair, messy and a little too long at the back, framed a lean face with eyes that pierced, even through glass lenses and over the distance that separated them. A light growth of stubble covered the man's cheeks and jaw, and a cigarette dangled from a softly smirking mouth. Hakkai found himself returning the smirk, one eyebrow rising as he assessed this bold stranger. The appearance was clean, if slightly unkempt, and his easy, self-assured posture drew Hakkai in with its familiarity. As he watched, the man's smirk widened to a knowing grin. He plucked the cigarette from his mouth and crushed it in the ashtray before him, then rose. His gaze never left Hakkai's until he turned around and sauntered out of the bar.

Ten minutes later, Hakkai finished his beer, paid the bartender, and walked out, as well. He simply stood for a moment, outside the door, and looked up to the sky. No stars showed in the darkness, though the moon was a smudge of light that broke through the clouds. There was no one else to be seen, all down the long street. Hakkai swallowed a vague disappointment and turned to head back to the inn. He hadn't gone three steps, when a shrill whistle tore through the quiet night. Turning abruptly on his heel, Hakkai searched the darkness for the source of the sound, still undetectable to his senses. There was no one....

A deep chuckle floated through the air, drawing Hakkai's gaze to the alley beside the bar. A darker shape against the darkness, there. It detached itself from the shadows that surrounded it, stepping forward until Hakkai could see the man from inside the bar. He had been waiting, after all.

Without a word spoken, he held out his hand in invitation, but Hakkai hesitated. There were dangerous things behind those eyes. He could see that, even in the dark. Still, the man was human, and that single frailty offset any concerns that he might normally have felt. The voice inside his head rose in a cackle that set his teeth on edge; Hakkai reached out to take the hand that offered peace, however temporary, and the darkness swallowed them both.

* * *

A sharp grunt tore from Hakkai's chest as his back slammed into the wall of the bar, the other man's weight crushing against and pinning him there. The bite of the rough bricks through the fabric of his shirt was sharp, stinging, as supple lips pressed against his. An incongruous mixture of fruit and smoke lay on the tongue that snaked, hot and demanding, into Hakkai's mouth. The back of his head bumped against the wall but he hardly registered the shock as he returned the kiss, wrapping an arm tightly around the stranger's neck. Long fingers combed up through Hakkai's hair, curling there and tugging until he obeyed, tilting his head back and exposing his throat to the sharp pinch of the other man's teeth.

Hakkai closed his eyes, hissing through teeth clenched in a pained mockery of a smile. Without sight, the scent of cigarettes assaulted him again, so very nearly the one he knew so well. A shoulder dug into Hakkai's chest as the stranger nosed his collar aside to expose his collarbone, pressing the breath from him for a dizzying moment. A strong hand yanked roughly at his shirt, pulling it from the waistband of his jeans with quick, impatient movements. The slick heat of his mouth roamed, leaving a burning trail over Hakkai's flesh that cooled slowly in the night air, and then that hand was beneath his shirt, fingernails scratching another over his abdomen.

He inhaled sharply as those fingers found the scar that blazed across his stomach, a physical touch that tore at his mind. Hakkai shoved the stranger away, his breath harsh and fast, impossibly loud in his own ears. _What's the matter, Cho Gonou,_ that voice taunted, _didn't you come here for this?_ He shook his head, whether in negation, or just to clear it, even he didn't know. When he looked to the man who had led him here, fathomless black eyes stared back at him from above a mocking curl of lips. Hakkai tensed, unsure of himself. He felt his own power, coursing unbidden through his body, gathering in his palms in anticipation. The stranger simply raised an eyebrow and took a half-step toward Hakkai before his arm snaked out to wrap long fingers around slim throat.

The hold was tight, but not to choking. Hakkai felt the blood throbbing in his cheeks, heard it in his ears as it pushed through the restriction. Another half-step, and the man was no more than a hair's breadth away, clicking his tongue like a parent reproving a naughty child. The sound caught Hakkai off-guard, racing down his spine, weakening his knees and tightening his groin. The voice laughed vulgarly in his mind. _Penance,_ it crooned. Hakkai's shoulders fell a fraction of an inch as he slowly, deliberately lowered his eyes. The chuckle that floated from the stranger's throat held an eerie echo of the one in his head, Hakkai realized, as the hand left his neck and clamped down on his arm, spinning him roughly around.

Pressed between the cold brick and the warmth of the stranger's body, Hakkai closed his eyes again while the man patted his pockets. He huffed a tiny chuckle against Hakkai's ear as he located his object, and Hakkai didn't even bother with embarrassment, now. A strong hand slipped inside Hakkai's pocket, brushing tantalizingly against his sex as it sought and extracted the little tube he'd secreted there. The voice was right. This _was_ what he had come here for, and there was no room for doubt.

The stranger pushed the collar of Hakkai's shirt down with his chin, then sank his teeth into flesh, hard. Hakkai gasped, his hands rising to push against the wall, his hips rolling back against the body behind him. The hard length of the other man's erection ground against his ass, and Hakkai heard himself loose a quiet, pleading whimper. Another, more purely amused chuckle rose from the stranger's throat, and he returned the gesture, with a hand gripping Hakkai's hip.

A leg pushed in between his thighs, nudging out to each side, in turn. Hakkai obeyed, adjusting his footing to spread his legs wider. He bit his lip to keep the sound of his impatience inside, reaching down with one hand to work the button on his jeans. A low purr of approval from behind him, and Hakkai clenched his jaw against the carnal wave that rolled through him in response. The voice was quiet now, as expected, and he revelled in the silence, even as the roar of need rose inside him. He knew this as well, and it was by far the lesser of his own evils.

Having unfastened his jeans, Hakkai used both hands to shove them down over his hips, as far as he could given his stance. He glanced over his shoulder to find that the stranger had already uncapped the tube, and was squeezing the contents onto one hand. Black eyes rose sharply from this task to bore into Hakkai's green ones, and that smirk returned.

"Hurry," Hakkai growled.

The smirk widened to a grin, the last thing that Hakkai registered, before the stranger took him over. The tips of two fingers pressed suddenly and insistently against Hakkai's entrance as the man's other hand reached up between his chest and the wall, to grasp his throat again, lightly. Hakkai swallowed against the slight constriction, and he pressed his forehead to the wall. Tendrils of pleasure/pain shot through him and he canted his hips up, pushing back against the intruding fingers that stretched him. A sharp sting rocked him, pulling a grunt from him as the stranger began thrusting roughly into him. This was what he needed, and he gave himself over to it.

Hakkai ground his teeth together as he rocked back into the stranger's ministrations, his eyes squeezed tightly shut, letting his shoulders fall forward to increase the pressure against his throat. Just as he was relaxing into the motions, melting around the sensations, they were gone. The man shifted behind him, and Hakkai dimly heard the sound of a zipper, and the rustle of clothing, followed by the slick sound of lube against skin.

Hot hands grabbed Hakkai's hips, yanking back. The head of the stranger's cock pushed against him, and his world exploded in a flash of pain as he drove in hard and fast. Hakkai gasped, the sound of the cry ripped from it by the sheer rushing of his breath. No time to think, no time to regret, he slumped forward and rode the waves of pain and the short bursts of pleasure between, sinking into it until he grew numb. The man thrust into him again and again, one hand fisting in his hair and yanking his head back. He let it happen, his eyes opening to stare blankly up into the starless sky.

Hakkai's arousal faded, like the world around him, growing dim and then winking out along with everything else. He vaguely noted the increased pace of the thrusts that jerked his body against the rough-hewn bricks of the wall, heard the satisfied grunts and felt the throbbing of the stranger's cock inside him as the man came. The sounds of clothing and zipper, the heat of that body against his back, the sting of teeth against his earlobe that Hakkai couldn't rouse himself to acknowledge. Then the stranger was gone, taking the voices with him.

For a while, anyway.


End file.
